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- Little boy to airline pilot: You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting.

- Pilot: Not if I do it right.

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog said over the air:

- Anything you can do, I can do better.

The veteran bomber pilot answered:

- Try this hot-shot.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked:

- So? What did you do?

- I just shut down two engines, kid.

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:

- Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!

The co-pilot looked out the windshield.

- Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?

- Well we better, we're almost out of fuel.

So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The…

After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot:

- Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot.

- In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ...

How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp?
→ Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner?
→ A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

- Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim:

- Wow! It just missed the highway!

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum.

- It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes - she explains.

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her.

- Miss, I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears? - he said.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat…

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

- You can't get out of your room? - the captain asked - Why not?

The stewardess replied:

- There are only three doors in here - she cried - one is the bathroom…

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked:

- If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered:

- The rest of your life.

I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.

I said:

- Hi Jack.

He shot me.

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

From a Southwest Airlines employee....

- Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

- Tell me - she said suspiciously - what are the chances that someone will have a bomb…

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

- Tell me - she said suspiciously - what are the chances that someone will have a bomb…

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom:

- Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water.

- Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below? - asks a little old lady, terrified.

- Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs.

- And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more? - asks the little lady.

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only…

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying:

- We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again:

- Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked.

He quickly answered:

- Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear.
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

- Sir - the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

- Did you see this terrible accident happen?

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting:

- BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO.....

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts:

- Be silent!

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting:

- OEING! OEING! OEING! OE....

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

- Bill: Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy.

- Hillary: Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy.

- Al: Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.

- Tipper: Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy.

- This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

- If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

- If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

- If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

- That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!