A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
- Guess who?
The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
- Guess where!
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially:
- Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?
- Why no Ma'am, what is it?
- Did we land or were we shot down?
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say:
- Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane.
And every year Edna would say:
- I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said:
- Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.
Edna replied:
- Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.
The pilot overheard them and said:
- Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one…
A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA.
Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.
Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said:
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said:
- I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.
The agent replied:
- I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
- Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said:
- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach said:
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go…
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said:
- A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead.
The men said they were very sorry to here that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said:
- A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead.
An airplane was losing altitude over the Rocky Mountains. The pilot over the intercom said that the entire luggage needed to be thrown overboard if they were to survive.
After all the luggage was thrown the plane was still going down so they asked for volunteers. A man from Paris went to the door and said:
- Viva la France.
Next a preacher went to the door and said:
- Lord forgive me for what I must do.
Finally a rich Texas cattle rancher said:
- Well guess I got to do my part,
and he grabbed two Mexicans and tossed them out and yelled:
- Remember the Alamo!
Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in an airplane with 20 kids. The airplane gets a failure and is doomed to crash. The plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela, as a great humanitarian says that children should have them. Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts:
- SCREW THE CHILDREN!!
Michael Jackson's face lights up and he shouts:
- YES, YES!! But do we have enough time?
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
At one of the packed, Delta ticket counters all of ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could. A man toward the end of the snaking line of passengers was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow moving line. He finally decided to march right up to the counter pulling his wheeled suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding pass. The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow, deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". Outraged…
An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking:
- What trip?
Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews:
- Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I can't imagine.
- As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.
- Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.
- We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew…
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down to an empty seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the man now sitting there:
- Excuse me, are you Gay?
The man, somewhat stunned, said:
- Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!
The flight attendant said:
The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along.
After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said:
- I don't like Chinese.
The F.O. replied:
- Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?
The Captain said:
- You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese.
The F.O. said:
- Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese.
And the Captain answered:
A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior. She came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport.
After three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him:
- Excuse me, Captain - she says.
- I am doing a survey on human sexuality... I was wondering if you could answer a few questions...
The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him.
After three questions, she asks him:
- ...and when was the last time you had sex?
Straight away the Captain replies:
- 1959.
The girl was shocked. She looks at the captain and asks:
A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York.
During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked:
- Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?
The flight attendant answered:
- We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient.
Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked:
If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in the orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs?
→ None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.
What reads and lives in an apple?
→ A bookworm!
What's the difference between a worm and an apple?
→ Have you ever tried worm pie?!
What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands?
→ He brought it to school and said:
- An Ape-lle for the teacher!
