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When a baby is learning to eat, shouldn't he have an L-plate?

Why is a baby like an diamond?
→ Because it's a dear little thing.

What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn?
→ Where's Pop Corn?

How do you get a paper baby?
→ Marry an old bag.

Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk.
Whose baby was it?
→ The elephant's!

- Do you like your new baby sister?

- She's all right.

- Do you play with her?

- No, and we can't even send her back because she's been here more than 28 days.

Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby?
→ Mrs Bigger's baby, because he's a little Bigger.

Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister?
→ I'd much rather have a jelly baby.

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
→ You rock-et.

A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker:

- What do you think you're doing? - she demanded.

- I'm just entertaining the baby - explained Tommy.

- Where is the baby? - asked his Mum.

- Under the bath.

- I see the baby's nose is running again - said a worried father.

- For goodness sake! - snapped his wife.

- Can't you think of anything other than horse racing?

- Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door?

- Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy.

- Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off.

Why are babies always gurgling with joy?
→ Because it's a nappy time.

A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day:

- Well, Skip - said the scout - Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it.

- Doctor, doctor, my baby's swallowed a watch!

- Give it some Epsom Salts: that should help it pass the time.

- Daddy, daddy, can I have another glass of water, please?

- But that's the tenth one I've given you tonight!

- Yes, but the baby's bedroom is still on fire.

- Mum, are the Smiths very poor people?

- I don't think so, Jimmy. Why do you ask?

- Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin

Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit's new baby? She thought babies should be pink, so she took this one to the doctor because it was a horrible yeller.

- It can't go on! It can't go on!

- What can't go on?

- This baby's vest - it's too small for me.

Why did you drop the baby?
→ Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.

What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.

Cry Baby - by Liza
Weeping

- Fred: My mum's having a new baby.

- Drew: What's wrong with the old one?

- My new baby is the image of his father.

- Never mind. just so long as he's healthy.

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- Underwear.

- Underwear who?

- Underwear my baby is tonight?