An 8th grade boy was doing some research for his career report at school. He asks his dad:
- Father, how many wildlife biologists work for the Federal Government?
The honest father replies:
- Oh, I would say at least half of 'em.
Garvin the mammalogist, was in Alaska studying polar bear. In sub-zero weather, he would spend 7 days out on the ice. But, after his 7 days in the field, he would return to the small town and spend a day or two resting up and drinking in the only bar in town.
On one particular day it was 40 below zero and Garvin made his way into the bar. He asked Bud, the bartender, for a whiskey.
- I don't know, Garvin, you sure have run-up a big bill in here. - The bartender told him.
- I know - Garvin replied.
- But I'm flat broke, and I sure could use a drink.
- OK - The barkeep told him.
- I'll just write your tab down on the piece of paper and pin it up here by the coat rack.
A logger is driving down the highway and sees two botanists trying to measure the height of a small pine tree.
Their tape measure is not long enough so one botanist stands on the shoulders of the other and attempts to extend the tape to the tree top but it is not long enough. While trying, he falls to the ground. They attempt this about five times and each time the top botanist falls. The logger is laughing but feels sorry for the pair, gets out of his truck, takes out an electric saw and cuts down the tree.
The botanists are looking at him like he is crazy. He then takes a tape measure and measures the tree.
- OK guys, the tree is 14' 6.
Ben was assigned a new wildlife technician and she was driving him crazy. She was blonde and pretty and insisted on carrying beauty products in a little field bag - nail polish, hair care products, gels, creams and so on.
One day they were driving the rugged four-wheel drive down a dirt road when a big rabbit ran in front of them and was hit by the truck. Ben pulls over and walks back to the dead rabbit. He felt terrible, but there was clearly nothing he could do for the dead creature.
His blonde partner pipes in and yells:
- Waite, I have just the thing!
She races back to the truck and begins to rifle through her beauty products. Ben watches as brushes and combs fly from the bag. Finally she…
Dan had been studying whales for over 20 years and had made some thrilling breakthroughs regarding their communication. He had managed to decode many of their underwater sounds and to translate them into English. His latest research had proved that they can communicate over a distance of 300 miles. When asked what could they possibly have to say at such distances he replied:
- As best as we can figure, it is something like - Hey, can you hear me now?
A wildlife biologist crew leader has several crews, each consisting of two biologists. The crews camped and worked in the woods and he made his rounds to visit each pair every few days. One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not getting nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that they might be up to some funny business. The following day, he paid them a visit.
- Is anything funny going on here? - he asked.
- What do you mean by that? - the pair asked back.
- I mean, you're not getting much fieldwork done. Are you two, you know, maybe doing something you're not supposed to do?
- Absolutely not! - the Jim replied.
- We are strictly co-workers
- Oh yes - the Sarah replied.
A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate.
On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested grass that has been set out to dry.
Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees.
A young wildlife biologist got fired from his first real wildlife job. Upon his return home, his parents asked him what happened.
- You know what a crew boss is? - he asked.
- The one who stands around and watches everyone else work.
- What's that got to do with it? - they asked.
- Well, he just got jealous of me - the young biologist explained.
- Everyone thought I was the crew boss.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but it takes eight million years.
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.
The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him.
He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He…
While driving down a steep and curvy logging road, a group of biologists loose control of their 4-wd "Jimmy" and careen down the hill. The truck piles up at the bottom of the canyon, and everyone aboard perishes. Suprisingly, they all go to heaven. At an orientation they are asked:
- When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy, a well known botanist says:
- I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest botanists of my time, and left an eternal contribution to the botanical world.
The second guy, an ornithologist, says:
- I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and…
Why do bikes have kick-stands?
→ Because they're two-tired.
What did the bicycle call its dad?
→ Pop-cycle
What do you get if you cross a chemical and a bicycle?
→ Bike carbonate of soda!
What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose?
→ Bicycle petals!
What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her head?
→ Petal!
Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes?
→ Sir Francis Brake!
Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle?
→ Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
→ Because it is two-tired (too tired).
When is a bicycle not a bicycle?
→ When it turns into a driveway.
A math student who used to come to the university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle.
- Where did you get the bike from? - his friends want to know.
- It's a 'thank you' present - he explains - from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. But the story is kind of weird...
- Tell us!
- Well - he starts - yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that she had passed her math final and that she wanted to drop by to thank me in person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her bicycle. But when I had let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes off, lay down on my bed, smiled at me, and said:
- You can get from me whatever you desire!
One of his friends remarks:
The cyclist, passing a pedestrian crossing, runs into a man, and they both fall down.
- Geez, are you lucky.
- What do you mean by lucky? I got hurt really bad.
- Ah, you're lucky because I recently lost my license. I usually drive a bus.
How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
The school teacher was furious when Brad knocked him down with his new bicycle in the school yard.
- Don't you know how to ride that yet? - he roared.
- Oh yes! - shouted Brad over his shoulder.
- It's the bell I can't work yet.
