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What do you call a very rude bird?
→ A mockingbird!

Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?
→ Because they're both full of stuffing!

How do you get a cut-price parrot?
→ Plant bird seed!

When is the best time to buy budgies?
→ When they're going cheap!

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
→ A headbanger!

What birds spend all their time on their knees?
→ Birds of prey!

What is a polygon?
→ A dead parrot!

What's brown and white and flies all over?
→ Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!

What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
→ A pecking order.

How do you identify a bald eagle?
→ All his feathers are combed over to one side.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:

- Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

- Jesus is watching you - the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot:

- Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?

- Yes - said the parrot.

Why did the rooster cross the road?
→ To get to the chick across the street!

What's a biologist's definition of a graph?
→ An animal with a long neck

Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?

A couple of biologists had twins.
One they called John and the other control.

How do you call a member of the financial staff of the faculty of Biology?
→ A Buy-ologist.

A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says:

- That'll be 80p [ATP]!

An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden. He had not been outdoors for a few weeks and had a sharp craving for a meal of wild squirrel. He summoned his half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to go squirrel hunting and bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told his son to be very careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he would need its brains later to "tan" the squirrel's pelt. (Tanning a skin using the animal's brains is a common practice in certain areas, it generally takes about one brain to tan one skin).

The idiot son spent most of the day searching the woods for tree squirrels, but was not having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree, he…

A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's wife:

- Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

- Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For…

A group of goose biologists were meeting to brainstorm about the migration tactics of Canada geese. They were particularly interested in applying for a $100,000 Federal grant to investigate the "V" formation of goose flight. It had been observed that one side of the "V" is always longer than the other side.
This group would put together a research proposal to apply for the $100,000 grant and hopefully find out why this happens.

To start off the discussion, Todd, the Consulting Firm Biologist stands up and says in typical consultant fashion:

- I say we ask for $200,000, and attempt to model the wind drag coefficients. We can have our geologists record and map the ground topography and then our…

A biologist from the North Pole was showing a new recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The new recruit said:

- I know how the transmitters work, but I have one question--how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?

- I bet you use high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?

- Oh no! - the experienced biologist replied.

- we use an ancient Eskimo technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole.

- Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole!!!

There were these two Engineers who decided they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As it happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they were about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time dragging the animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist happened upon them.

He said:

- You know, the hair follicles on a moose have a grain to them that causes the hair to lie toward the back.

- The way you are dragging that moose, it increases your coefficient of friction by a huge margin. If you grab it by the antlers and pull, you will find the work required to be quite minimal.

The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the…

A young biologist was sitting on a stump at the edge of their camp. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. One of the other biologists saw his sad looks and asked:

- What's the matter?

The young biologist said:

- They put me in the same tent with old Doctor Perkins. He snores all night, takes a bath once a month, and talks non-stop about back when he studied passenger pigeons. He's so damn old, I think he was a lackey for Charles Darwin. He generally just makes my life Hell. We had a big fight about it and they split us up for a month

The older biologist said:

- That should make you happy.

The young biologist sadly shook his head and said:

- Not when the month is up today!

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town. He's camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog, franticly runs into his camp.

- Please, please help me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and we've seen you camped here. We didn't know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him?

- Sir, I'm not a vet, I'm a wildlife biologist - the young biologist told the worried man.

- Can you please just have a look at him, I'll pay you anything you need. I just need to know. If he's still alive…

A University had advertised for two biologists to help in their mammalogy department, specifically with a group of captive grizzly bears.
They had only two applicants - a beautiful young women biologist and an older male biologist.

The mammalogist in charge of the project knew that not everyone can handle working with such fierce creatures so he decided to test their skills with the bears. The two hopefuls followed him out to the bear pen.

He first asked the young women to show him what she could do.

She entered the cage, stripped down to her bikini, and the largest bear walked up and nuzzled her bare legs.

The astonished mammalogist then said to the old man:

- Can you do that?