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- Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday?

- You told me to surprise you.

A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.

- Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday?

- Sure. It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough.

- I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.

- That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?

- I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.

What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?
→ A stole.

What's the greatest birthday present?
→ Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.

Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday.

- How lovely!

- Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum's too frightened he'll break it!

- I've been shopping for my wife's birthday present.

- What did you get her?

- A bottle of expensive toilet water. It cost 20.

- 20! Why didn't you come to my house - you could have had some of ours for free!

- Will you come to my party on Saturday?

- Yes, please. What's the address?

- 25 The High Street. Just push the bell with your elbow.

- Why with my elbow?

- Well, you won't be empty-handed, will you!

- I forgot my brother's birthday last month.

- What did he say?

- Nothing, yet.

- Grandma, is it exciting being 99?

- It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

- How old were you on your last birthday?

- Eight.

- And how old will you be on your next birthday?

- Ten.

- Oh, I don't think that's possible.

- Oh, yes it is - I'm nine today.

- Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again.

- How can you be so sure?

- I was 10 years old yesterday.

Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same day as his father's. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol.

He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying:

- Use this all over yourself and think of me.

Unfortunately he put the note on his father's present.

When is your birthday?
→ 17th January.

What year?
→ Every year!

What did you get for your birthday?
→ Another year!

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out.

- What's the matter? - she asked.

- It's my birthday! - he hollered.

- And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards... - and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard.

- But that's lovely - said the old lady.

- Why are you crying?

- Because I'm lost!

- I'd like to say something nice about you as it's your birthday.

- Why don't you?

- Because I can't think of a single thing to say!

- I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.

- That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?

- I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.

- Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days?

- No. Why?

- Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

- Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am - he said politely, but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.

- That's right.

- Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.

- Well, today is his birthday.

Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my birthday...
the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!

- Look at that speed! - said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads.

- Hmph! - snorted the other.

- You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!

A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.

- Where were you? I was worried sick.

- It was such nice day, I decided to walk.

How many ducks would there be, if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two ducks, and two ducks behind two ducks?
→ 4 ducks-because they are in a row.