A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
- If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? - he asked her.
The secretary replied:
- Everything but my earrings.
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys...
all on different limbs,... at different levels,...
some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
The farmer goes to town one day and happens to run into his old pal the tractor salesman.
- How's business? - asks the farmer.
- Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in months. How are things on the farm? - asked the salesman.
- Well-- The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I have. I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied her tail to the ceiling. I started milking again and she kicked me with her left leg so I tied that to the left side of the stall. I started milking again and she kicked me with her right leg so I tied that one to the right side of the stall. About that time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can convince her that I was just…
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
- Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve - he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read:
- Blame your predecessor.
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street…
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
- Need some help? - a secretary asked.
- Yes - he replied.
- How does this thing work?
- Simple - she said - taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
- Thanks, but where do the copies come out?
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
- I need someone with an accounting degree - the man said.
- But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.
- Excuse me? - the accountant said.
- I worry about a lot of things - the man said.
- But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.
- I see - the accountant said.
- And how much does the job pay?
- I'll start you at eighty thousand.
- Eighty thousand dollars! - the accountant exclaimed.
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?
→ He wanted a balanced meal.
- First Cannibal: Have you seen the dentist?
- Second Cannibal: Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time.
- First cannibal: Come and have dinner in our hut tonight.
- Second cannibal: What are you having?
- First cannibal: Hard-boiled legs.
What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals?
→ He went down really well!
Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads?
→ Because they're headcases!
What happened to the cannibal lion?
→ He had to swallow his pride!
Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village?
→ Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!
Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
→ Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?
→ He said:
- So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses!
What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear?
→ He had his first taste of Christianity!
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
→ He thought he would give him a paunch!
What happened when the cannibal got a religion?
→ He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
Why would the cannibal only eat babies?
→ He was on a diet!
What do sick cannibals have for breakfast?
→ Vitamin bills!
Why won't cannibals eat Frank Sinatra?
→ Because he's always coming back!
Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
→ He gives them runs!
What happened when the cannibal crossed the Atlantic on the QE2?
→ He told the waiter to take the menu away and bring him the passenger list!
What do pygmy cannibals eat for breakfast?
→ Weedie Bix!!
