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When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them.

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not at all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read:

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog:

- T-square, do your stuff!

T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said:

- Slide Rule, do your stuff!

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says:

- What do you have for collateral?

The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant and says:

- I don't know. I'm going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the bank manager to approve this.

He goes into Mr. Larson's office and comes back.

Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with the elephant and says:

- It's a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog a loan!

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.

The man says:

- Can you brew tea?

The Irishman says:

- Yes.

- Good. Can you drive a fork lift?

The Irishman looks at him and asks:

- Why? How big is the teapot?

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

- I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family - said the man.

- To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.

The son-in-law interrupted:

- I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.

- I see - replied the father-in-law.

- Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.

- I hate office work - said the son-in-law.

- I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.

- Wait a minute - said the father-in-law.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said:

- I forgot my teeth.

The man said:

- No problem.

With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.

- Try these - he said.

The speaker tried them.

- Too loose - he said.

The man then said:

- I have another pair...try these.

A Japanese guy is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars. He counts his money at the counter.

- Wait a minute - he says to the clerk.

- When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. What's going on here?

- Fluctuations - says the clerk.

The Japanese man stiffens:

- Well! Fluck you Americans, too!

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:

- Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check.

In a short time he received the following reply:

- Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

- Boss - he says.

- We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.

- We're short-handed, Smith - the boss replies.

- I can't give you the day off.

- Thanks, boss - says Smith.

- I knew I could count on you!

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says:

- You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

- How do they feel? - asks the sales clerk.

- Well they feel a bit tight - replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.

- Try pulling the tongue out - the clerk says.

- Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.

There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.

The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.

The next day, the second beggar wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.

The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup.

Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said:

- We have an opening for people like you.

- Oh, great - he said.

- What is it?

- It's called the door!

The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many…

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend:

- I'm a walking economy.

The friend replies:

- How so?

- My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car.

He opens it and out pops a genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

- Well, kid - says the genie.

- You know how it works. You have three wishes.

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

- Listen - said the CEO.

- this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?

- Certainly - the young executive says.

He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

- Excellent, excellent! - says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

- I just need one copy.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office.

As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he begins to dictate a letter...:

- And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office.

As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he begins to dictate a letter...:

- And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.

The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.

The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he did the work.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asks:

- Does your boss know you are discouraging business?

- Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers.

- After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on repairs.

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker.

- I think this one will really move - said the broker.

- it's only $1 a share.

- Buy me 1000 shares - said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said:

- You were right, give me 5000 more shares.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker:

- Get me 10,000 more shares - said the client.

- Great! - said the broker.

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he…