Auntie Gladys bought herself a new rear-engine continental car. She took an old friend for a spin, but after only half a mile, the car broke down. Both women got out and opened up the front of the car.
- Oh, Gladys - said her friend,
- you've lost your engine!
- Never mind dear - said auntie.
- I've got a spare one in the trunk.
Did you hear about the girl who was so keen on road safety that she always wore white at night?
→ Last Winter she was knocked down by a snow plough
Why did your sister refuse the gift of a Japanese car?
→ Because she'd never be able to learn the language
- Brother: How do you top a car?
- Sister: Tep on the brake, tupid.
Who drives away all his customers?
→ A taxi driver.
Why was the school principal not pleased when he bumped into an old friend?
→ They were both driving their cars at the time!
A monster goes to a petrol station and says: Fill me up
The man at the petrol station replies: You have to have a car for me to do that!
The monster replies: But I had a car for lunch!
A boy sat on a train chewing gum and staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting opposite said, 'It's no good you talking to me, young man, I'm stone deaf!'
A tiny racing car was developed by American scientists. The Americans then sent the car over to Japan to see what the Japanese could do to better the car. The Japanese added sport wheels and an aero kit to the car, they than sent it to the U.K. The British scientists, to better the car, added a sound system and window tint. They then sent it over to the Chinese, who added on a lowered suspension to the tiny car. The Chinese then sent it over to India. The Indian scientists, looked at the tiny car, appreciated all the modifications the other countries had made, turned it over and stamped a sign on it.... MADE IN INDIA!!!
Personally, I like to stay and read the credits. When the last scene of Titanic faded to black and people began rushing for the exits, I shouted: "Quick! There are only enough cars in the parking lot for half of us!"
A man was fed up of having his car broken into and having his radio stolen he decided he would remove it when he parked his car he also left a note saying there is no point in breaking in my car as there is nothing to steal. When he returned to his car it had been broken into again and there was a new note where his had left his, saying just checking.!
A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life.
- Hey Roadway driver whos the two biggest poofs in America? - comes from the CB.
The Roadway driver replies:
- I don't know.
The other trucker says:
- You and your brother.
Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells him:
- Its just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see.
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says:
- Hey other truck do you know who the two biggest poofs in the world are?
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down.
One day John got yet another one of those calls.
- What happened this time? - he asked.
- My brakes went out - Jill said.
- Can you come to get me?
- Where are you? - John asked.
- I'm in the drugstore - Jill responded.
- And where's the car? - John asked.
Jill replied:
- It's in here with me.
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting.
He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk:
- I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note:
- Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove today, you idiot.
The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air.
seeking at him, another man said:
- Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away.
The young man took a deep breath and said:
- Pop, I missed this train at the last station.
Did you ever see a country boy in New York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers, "Taxi!"
Blake and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had missed the train.
- The next train is in one hour - said the stationmaster.
The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink; Blake had a Pepsi.
Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.
- Next one is sixty minutes from now! - said the stationmaster.
An hour later, Blake, with his mom and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.
Dilmer, six-foot-three, two hundred eighty pounds, was thrown from his seat when the Southern Railway train he was riding derailed.
The giant teenager flew a dozen feet through the air before hitting headfirst against a steel partition. For a moment Dilmer lay dazed, rubbing his head. The conductor came by and kneeled down beside him.
- Don't move! - said the conductor.
- We've called an ambulance.
- Naw, I ain't hurt so bad. That steel wall musta broke my fall! - said the boy, getting to his feet.
A San Francisco motorist following a taillight in a dense fog crashed into the car ahead of him when it stopped suddenly.
- Why didn't you let me know you were going to stop? - he yelled into the mist.
- Why should I? - came a voice out of the fog.
- I'm in my own garage!
McAfee and Bracket were driving home after a big party.
- Hey, be sure to watch out for that bridge that's coming down the road toward us. - said McAfee.
- What are you telling me to 'watch out' for? - asked Brackett.
- You're the one who's driving!
- Where's the car? - asked Professor Delbert's wife when he got home.
- Did I take it out?
- Yes, you drove it to school this morning.
- I suppose you're right, my dear. I remember now that after I got out, I turned to thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he'd gone.
How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
→ Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ What? Go all the way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin' mate!
