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- Mum: Jackie, go outside and play with your whistle. Your father can't read his paper.

- Jackie: Wow, I'm only eight and I can read it

- Mother: What do you mean, the school must be haunted?

- Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the school spirit.

Mary arrived home from school covered in spots.

- Whatever's the matter? - asked her mother.

- I don't know - replied Mary.

- but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.

- I told you not eat cake before supper.

- But, Mum, it's part of my homework. 'If you take an eighth of a cake from a whole cake, how much is left.

On the first day at school the girls were sizing each other up and boasting, trying to make good impressions on each other.

- I come from a one-parent family - said one little girl proudly.

- That's nothing. Both my parents remarried after they got divorced. I come from a four parent family!

A little girl was next in line.

- My name's Curtain - she said.

- I hope your first name is not Agnate?

- No, it's velvet!

Two girls were talking in the corridor.

- That boy over there is getting on my nerves - said Clarrie.

- But he's not even looking at you - replied Clara.

- That's what's getting on my nerves - retorted Clarrie.

'Mum, there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home. Shall I give him Grandma?'

John kept pestering his parents to buy a video, but they said they couldn't afford one. So one day John came home clutching a package containing a brand-new video.

- Where in the World did you get the money to pay for that? - asked his father suspiciously.

- It's OK, Dad - replied John.

- I've traded the TV in for it.

A certain little boy had been spanked by his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that evening, the boy called out sulkily, 'Mum! your husband's just come home.'

- Mum - yelled Johnny from the kitchen.

- You know that dish you were always worried that I would break?

- Yes dear, what about it?

- Well your worries are over.

George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked:

- Can Albert come out to play?

- No - said the mother.

- It's too cold.

- Well, then - said George.

- Can his football come out to play?

Eddie's father called up to him:

- Eddie, if you don't stop playing that trumpet I think I'll go crazy!

Eddy replied:

- I think you are already, I stopped playing half an hour ago.

- William, I've been told that you have been fighting with the boys next door - said mum.

- Yes, but they're twins, so I wanted some way to tell them apart.

- Mum: How can you practice your trumpet and listen to the radio at the same time?

- Son: Easy. I have two ears!

Dick and Jane were arguing furiously over the breakfast table.

- Oh you're so stupid! - shouted Dick.

- Dick! - said their father.

- That's quite enough of that! Now say you're sorry.

- OK - said Dick.

- Jane, I'm sorry you're stupid.

Ben's dad was building a pine bookshelf and Ben was watching and occasionally helping.

- What are the holes for? - Ben asked.

- They're knot holes - said his dad.

- What are they, then, if they're not holes? - asked Ben.

- Why are you crying, Ted? - asked his mum.

- Because my new sneakers hurt.

- That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.

- But they are the only feet I have.

- Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt shaker yet?

- Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes!

Young Jimmy was having a snack after school with his Gran.

- Would you like another cookie? - she asked.

- Yes, please - replied Jimmy.

- What good manners you have - said his Gran.

- I do like to hear young people say "please" and "thank you".

- I'll say them both if I can have a big piece of that cake - replied Jimmy!

Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger. Will said:

- Well, you know the Pacific Ocean? My father's the one who dug the hole for it.

Bill wasn't impressed:

- Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea? My father's the one who killed it!

Two boys camping out in a backyard wanted to know the time, so they began singing at the top of their voices.
Eventually one of the neighbours threw open his window and shouted down at them:

- Hey, less noise! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning!

As two boys were passing the rectory, the minister leaned over the wall and showed them a ball.

- Is this yours? - he asked.

- Did it do any damage? - asked one of the boys.

- No - replied the minister.

- Then it's mine!

- You boy! - called a policeman.

- Can you help? We're looking for a man with a huge red nose called Cotters......

- Really? - said the boy.

- What're his ears called?

Did you hear about the boy who was known as Fog?
→ He was dense and wet!