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What happens to you at Christmas?
→ Yule be happy!

What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
→ Platform shoes!

A schoolteacher was trying to teach her six-year old class students how to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag. The schoolteacher said, O.K. children begin by putting your hand over your little heart and repeat with me, I pledge allegiance to the HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is your hand over your butt cheek instead of your heart? Johnny relied! I can't. Teacher asks, why not? Well you see, when my ant comes over to pick me up and pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!!

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.

- What's the matter Johnny? - asked his concerned mother.

Johnny replied:

- that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home...

- I just want her to stay with you guys.

A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard.

- I always knew God would take care of us - said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.

- I like to hear you say that - beamed the mother.

- Always remember that God is in His heaven watching over us.

- Oh, I wasn't talking about THAT God - the five year old interrupted.

- I was talking about the COAST God.

Son to his father as they watch television:

- Dad, tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the channel.

- Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?

- Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

- Mum: From now on your going to have free school dinners.

- Son: But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is more than enough!

- Mother: Let me see your report son.

- Son: Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping me!

- Father: You've got 4 D's and a C on your report.

- Son: Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject!

- Father: What did you learn in school today?

- Son: That three and three are seven.

- Father: Three and three are six!

- Son: I guess I didn't learn anything today then!

A father is asked by his friend:

- Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?

- Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector - he replies

To this his friend responds:

- Strange ambition to have for a career.

- Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked:

- Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?

Her grandson replied:

- You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

Andy was away from school for 2 days because he had a flu. On the third day when he went back to school, his teacher told him how he felt.
I feel with my hands Miss !

The teacher asked Simon to say his name backwards.

- No mis - he replied

Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?
→ He wanted to see a butterfly.

Why did the nutty kid throw a glass of water out of the window?
→ He wanted to see a waterfall.

- Teacher: Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?

- Student: So we know when to start Christmas shopping!

- Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Mary. When I was your age I ate every one.

- Mary: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?

- Grandma: Yes, I do.

- Mary: Well, you can have mine.

- Jennifer: Are you coming to my party?

- Sandra: No, I ain't.

- Jennifer: Now, you know what Miss told us. Not ain't. It's I am not coming, he is not coming, she is not coming, they are not coming.

- Sandra: Blimey, ain't nobody coming?

The second grader was in bed with a cold and high temperature.

- How high is it, Doctor? - she wanted to know.

- One hundred and three - said the doctor.

- What is the world record?

Mandy was applying for a summer job.

- How old are you? - asked the owner of the store.

- I'm twelve years old, Sir - answered Mandy.

- And what do you expect to be when you grow up?

- Twenty one, Sir.

- Trevor: That's a cool pair of stockings you have on Jill. One red and one green.

- Jill: Yes, and I have another pair just like it at home.