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How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the light bulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.

Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist?
→ Because they fought both tooth and nail!

What does the dentist of the year get?
→ A little plaque.

- I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you hundred dollars for pulling your boy's tooth.

- Hundred dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charged only twenty dollars for such work!

- Yes - replied the dentist - but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office.

- Patient: It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth.

- Dentist: I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.

- Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

- Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.

- Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
→ Because people are dying to get in.

A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said:

- Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute.

The man said:

- Do me a favor and throw it out the window!

What did the dead raccoon say in his will?
→ "Leave it to Beaver."

Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card:

- Message? - she sputtered.

- Well, I guess, 'You will be missed.'

Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact words:

- I guess you will be missed.

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, "Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons... Funeral arrangements haven't yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea."

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country:

- There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!

- Oh, my God! - says his friend.

- Surely he must have died!

- Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!

- Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?

- Pupil: Dead? I didn't even know he was sick!

A chap went up to the counter in the library and said:

- Have you got any books about committing suicide?

The librarian said:

- Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf.

The chap came back a few moments later and said:

- I can't find any at all.

The librarian replied:

- Yes, it's awful. They never bring 'em back!

- Do you believe in life after death? - the boss asked one of his employees

- Yes, Sir - the new employee replied

- Well, then, that makes everything just fine - the boss went on

- After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

- No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral!

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.

They put his left leg in....

Well, you know the rest.

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister:

- Reverend, John and I had a DREADFUL fight! - she wailed

- Calm down, my child, it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight! - said the minister

- I know, I know! but what am I going to do with the BODY? - said Joanna

What is the definition of Death?
→ When you stop paying taxes suddenly.

- Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

- Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them!

- What are you doing?

- I'm trying to call Washington!

- Oh, haven't you heard? He's dead!

Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?
→ Because he was dead!

When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
→ Rust in peace!

Why did the cowboy die with his boots on?
→ Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket!