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- Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!

- Stick your foot out and trip it up!

- Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?

- Yes - here's a kite!

- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!

- Didn't I see you yesterday?

- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?

- Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

- Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?

- Use a pencil till I get there

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None, the sockets go with the house.

What's the major cause of divorce?
→ Once is not enough.

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.

- Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling:

- Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?

- Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!

Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for a divorce from her husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She testified he'd stepped out "for a beer" on the Fourth of July, 1917, and had never come back.

Definition of Divorce: The future tense of marriage.

Why do divorced men get married again?
→ Bad memory.

A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say:

- Judge, we want a divorce.

The judge says:

- You've been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?

The couple say in unison:

- Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.

Why is divorce so expensive?
→ Because it's worth it.

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

- May I help you?

- Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.

- Well do you have any grounds?

- Yea, I got about a hundred acres.

- No, you don't understand, do you have a case?

- No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.

- I mean, do you have a grudge?

- Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere.

- No sir, I mean do you have a suit?

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says:

- Who the hell was that?

- Oh - replies the husband:

- she's my mistress.

- Well, that's the last straw - says the wife:

- I've had enough, I want a divorce.

- I can understand that - replies her husband:

- but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says:

- Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says:

- I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says:

- I want the house. Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says:

- I want the kids too. The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says:

- I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

- Pop, what are you talking about? - the son screams.

- We can't stand the sight of each other any longer - the old man says:

- We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her, and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone:

- Like hell they're getting divorced - she shouts:

- I'll take care of this. She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man:

- You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I…

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager:

- How much is that new Barbie in the window?

The Manager replied:

- Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00.

- Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?!? - Ralph asked surprised.

The Manager replies:

- Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's…

Ruby Alice walked up to the desk of a Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the letter "O."

- Why'd you put that circle down? - asked the clerk.

- Cause Ah can't write - replied the girl.

- Why don't you sign with an 'X'? - asked the man.

- Ah used to - she answered:

- But when Ah got me a divorce, Ah took back mah maiden name!

How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None. The sockets all went with the house.

Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

Miss DeAngelo was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star.
She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward:

- Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?

- Well, yes - acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff:

- but I couldn't help it.

- Couldn't help it? - asked the lawyer derisively:

- How's that?

- Mr. Evans deceived me.

What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common?
→ Someone's going to lose their trailer...

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
→ They are four ways you can lose your house!