A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says:
- Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.
- Because - the man says:
- I live in a two-story house.
The Judge replies:
- What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?
The man answers:
- Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'
A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says:
- So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?
She says:
- Bernie, I want a divorce. He says:
- I wasn't planning on spending that much.
With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.
Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.
- Every damn time your Honor - she sighed:
- Every damn time!
I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.
The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied:
- Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'.
One day there was two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend:
- My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.
This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a…
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping:
- Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
- God Almighty! - shouted Mary, and the teacher said:
- Very good, and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary:
- Who is our Lord and Savior, but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again.
- Jesus Christ! - shouted Mary, and the teacher said:
- Very good, and Mary fell back asleep.
There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
→ A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone
What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
→ Both can smell it but can't eat it.
What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
→ I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
What are 3 two letter words that say small?
→ Is it in.
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
→ They're both filled with stiffs, one's coming, one's going.
What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
→ They are both substitute meats.
Why is being in the military like a blow job?
→ The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Define Transvestite:
→ A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
→ S&M&M.
What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
→ Toys for Twats.
Did you hear the slogan for the new "Stealth Condom?"
→ They'll never see you coming.
What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
→ Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
What did the Indian say to the white woman when she tied his penis in a knot?
→ How Come?
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
