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An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.

Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

- Well - said the American - I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So, of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing…

Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear.

The Spaniard says:

- Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, it is pronounced 'Mariposa', a beautiful sounding word.

The French man says:

- True, but Papillion, the French word for butterfly, is even more beautiful.

- What's wrong with Schmetterlink - asks the German?

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says:

- Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.

The mexican man pleads with them:

- No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says:

- Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him:

- The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says:

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
→ A tourist.

How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
→ Turn off the carousel.

- Helga, tell me something. Why do Swedish men always have stupid grins on their faces?

- Because they're stupid - said her friend.

Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side?
→ So the cops can find the handles.

What is the most common educational degree in New Mexico?
→ Kindergarten dropout.

How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he'll tell everybody.

How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Scotsmen don't change light bulbs, it's cheaper to sit in the dark

How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.

How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte…

How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.)
→ Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
→ 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it it was politically correct.

How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.

How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ That's a military secret.

How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
→ None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.

How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ One, but don't expect results.

How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan.

How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.

How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
→ Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.

How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the packaging.

How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine.