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A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man:

- Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied:

- Naw, these are soybeans.

- You don't understand - said the preacher.

- Are you a Christian?

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said:

- Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer:

- Are you lost?

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

The boy confessed sadly:

- Pa, the chickens got loose, but I managed to find all twelve of them.

- Well, you did real good, son - the farmer beamed.

- You left with seven.

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him:

- Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?

The farmer replies:

- I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.

- How? - asks the man, puzzled.

- Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

- Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs? - she asked.

- Yeth. - lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:

- Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

- Let's have a party, Homer - she suggested.

- Let's kill a pig.

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

- Gee, Ethel - he finally answered.

- I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he:

- Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off....

- Not so fast - says she.

- How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?

What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?
→ FIRETRUCK.

A fireman had two sons. What did he name them?
→ Hosea and Hoseb

The Volunteer Fire Chief in a small town had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his friends and family started toward their cars.

However, they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard from the grave.

As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said:

- Don't worry... it's just the dispatcher toning him out.

A firefighter died and went to hell where he finds a wall of clocks.

After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the clocks mean?

- That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour. - says the devil.

- I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere? - the fireman says.

The devil replied:

- Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan.

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. He explained:

- Pull the pin like a hand grenade, then depress the trigger to release the foam.

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted:

- Like a hand grenade, remember?

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

What does CHAOS stand for?
→ The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely.
After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered.
At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and…

A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump.

- No way! I saw what you did to my friend - exclaimed the redhead.

- I am sorry - said the Chief.

- My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no…

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted:

- Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!

Tom replied:

- I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is...

What is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire?
→ Lawn chair.

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.

The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.

They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily…

What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?
→ A ladder in her stocking!

What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire?
→ "Holy smoke!"

Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
→ To keep their pants up.

What usually comes after the monster lights the birthday candles?
→ The fire department.

All of the firefighters at my station are quick.
They're even "fast" asleep!

What kind of ears do pumpers have?
→ Engineers.

How do you get down from an aerial ladder?
→ You don't get down from an aerial ladder. You get down from a duck.