A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted:
- No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked:
- Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy:
- Do these turkeys get any bigger?
The stock boy replied:
- No ma'am, they're dead.
Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
→ Just spell "Evian" backwards!
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
- Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.
- Heck, Gloria, we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets! - the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off.
- Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
- Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
- Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
- Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
- Good heavens, what is this? - he said.
- Why, it's bean soup - she replied.
- I don't care what it has been - he sputtered.
- What is it now?
- I thought you were trying to get into shape?
- I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
Why men like to fishing so much?
→ They finally found something as smart as them to talk to.
What do dirty fish read?
→ Prawno Magazines!
What fish only swims at night?
→ A starfish!
To whom do fish go to borrow money?
→ The loan shark!
What fish make the best sandwich?
→ A peanut butter and jellyfish
How do the fish get to school?
→ By octobus!
How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?
→ Skates!
What fish is best to have in a boat?
→ A Sailfish.
