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Did you hear about the teacher who was trying to instil good table manners in her girls?
She told them that a well brought girl never crumbles her bread or rolls in her soup.

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a slice of bread.

- Doctor: You've got to stop loafing around.

Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory?
→ Because he went crackers.

What did the biscuit say when it saw two friends knocked down?
→ Crumbs!

- Have you got any broken biscuits?

- Yes, I have.

- Well, you shouldn't be so clumsy!

Why did the biscuit cry?
→ Because its mother had been a wafer so long.

What's the difference between a biscuit and a monster?
→ You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big to fit in the cup.

What is small, furry and smells like bacon?
→ A hamster.

What's the best day to eat bacon?
→ Fry-day.

What are apricots?
→ Where monkeys sleep.

- Don't eat the cookies so fast they'll keep.

- I know, but I want to eat as many as I can before I lose my appetite!

How do you make gold soup?
→ Put 14 carrots in it.

What sort of soup do skeletons like?
→ One with plenty of body in it.

- I'd say he was spineless.

- Yes, about as spineless as cooked spaghetti.

What ghost is handy in the kitchen?
→ A recipe spook.

What's the difference between a homeless and a pizza?
→ A pizza can feed a family of four.

Why did the grape cross the road?
→ To get away from the grapefruit.

What's red and invisible?
→ No tomatoes.

What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook?
→ 100 way to wok your dog.

What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?
→ Finding half a worm.

- May I take your order? - the waiter asked.

- Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?

- Nothing special sir - he replied.

- We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.

When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked:

- Is this pig?

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly:

- Which end of the fork are you referring to?

What are the four food groups?

For bachelors: Fast, Frozen, Junk and Spoiled.
For drinkers: Malt, Hops, Barley and Yeast.
For heavies: Caffeine, Fat, Sugar, Chocolate.

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter.

- Give me a corned beef sandwich - he ordered.

- Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special.

- What's a Midnight Special?

- A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread.

- Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?

- Why, sure! - Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out:

- One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread…

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.

- Here, do you call that pig? - he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection.

- Which end of the fork, sir? - the waitress asked sweetly.