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What food are you able to can?
→ Cannibal (can able) food.

How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?
→ Read the label.

- Camper: There's something wrong with my hot dog.

- Cook: Don't tell me. I'm not a veterinarian.

A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered two slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts.

- Would you like a cherry on the top? - asked the waitress.

- No, thanks - said the girl - I'm on a diet!

What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake?
→ Hey, what's eating you?

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

- Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.

- Heck, Gloria - the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off - we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!

What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
→ "He's a real fun guy [fungi]."

Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine?
→ They keep repeating themselves.

When Lee ate raw onions for a week what did he become?
→ Lone Lee.

What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter of a pound of ground beef?
→ A humburger.

Why did the teacher have her hair in a bun?
→ Because she had her nose in a hamburger.

- First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries - that's my girl.

- Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.

- Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch, what fruit would it remind you of?

- Pupil: A pear.

What's red and green and wears boxing gloves?
→ A fruit punch.

A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard you the first time," came the reply.

- My brother's on a seafood diet.

- Really?

- Yes, the more he sees food the more he eats.

What happens if you play tabletennis with a bad egg?
→ First it goes ping, then it goes pong.

At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after egg from a little boy's ear.

- There! - he said proudly.

- I bet your Mum can't produce eggs without hens, can she?

- Oh yes, she can - said the boy.

- She keeps ducks.

How does a witch make scrambled eggs?
→ She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.

Three cookies were crossing the road when the first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he reached the pavement in safety?
→ Crumbs!

What's the difference between a vampire and a cookie?
→ You can't dip a vampire in your tea.

- Jimmy, how many more times must I tell you to come away from that cookie tin?

- No more, mom. It's empty.

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, "I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest you check your scales." The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."

- Boy: What's black, slimy, with hairy legs and eyes on stalks?

- Mom: Eat the cookies and don't worry about what's in the tin.