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How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat?
→ You use a spirit level.

Did you hear about the sick ghost?
→ He had oooooo-ping cough.

Which ghost ate too much porridge?
→ Ghouldilocks.

- Ghost: Are you coming to my party?

- Spook: Where is it?

- Ghost: In the morgue - you know what they say, the morgue the merrier.

A butler came running into his important master's office.

- Sir, sir, there's a ghost in the corridor. What shall I do with him?

Without looking up from his work the master said:

- Tell him I can't see him.

What do young ghosts write their homework in?
→ Exorcise books.

Who said "Shiver me timbers!" on the ghost ship?
→ The skeleton crew.

What do you call a ghost who's always sleeping?
→ Lazy bones.

What did one ghost say to another?
→ I'm sorry, but I just don't believe in people.

- Woman in bed: Aaagh! Aaagh! A ghost just floated into my room!

- Ghost: Don't worry, ma'am, I'm just passing through.

What do you call a ghost who only haunts the Town Hall?
→ The nightmayor.

What do you get if you cross a ghost with a packet of potato chips?
→ Snacks that go crunch in the night.

What are pupils at ghost schools called?
→ Ghoulboys and ghoulgirls.

Who did the ghost invite to his party?
→ Anyone he could dig up.

A man was staying in a big old house and in the middle of the night he met a ghost. The ghost said:

- I have been walking these corridors for 300 years.

The man said:

- In that case, can you tell me the way to the toilet?

Did you hear about the ghost who enjoyed doing housework?
→ He used to go round with the oooo-ver.

Did you hear about the ghost who learnt to fly?
→ He was pleased to be back on terror-firma.

Did you hear about the ghost comedian?
→ He was booed off stage.

What happened to the ghost who went to a party?
→ He had a wail of a time.

What is a ghost boxer called?
→ A phantomweight.

What happened when a ghost asked for a brandy at his local pub?
→ The landlord said:

- Sorry, we don't serve spirits.

Which ghost ate too much porridge?
→ Ghouldilocks.

What do you call the ghost who is a child-rearing expert?
→ Dr Spook.

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess:

- I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying:

- I don't THINK so.

A frog came into a bank to obtain a loan. He spoke to the loan officer Mr. Paddywack. When Mr. Paddywack asked the frog what he had for loan collateral, the frog held out his hand.

- What's that? - asked Mr. Paddywack, but the frog could not talk. So, Mr. Paddywack took the frog in to see the manager and explained the situation.

The manager then asked the frog what collateral he had for the loan and the frog held out his hand:

- Oh, that's a knickknack Paddywack, give the frog a loan. - said the manager.