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Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
→ Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
→ An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.

- I've been insulted - she sobbed.

- Your mother insulted me.

- My mother! - he exclaimed.

- But she is a hundred miles away.

- I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.

He looked stern:

- I see, but where does the insult come in?

- In the postscript - she answered.

- It said: Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says:

- Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says:

- Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.

She immediately replies:

- The red-head in the middle.

- That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

- I don't like her.

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

- Yes, please - she replied.

- Tell him Mother didn't come after all.

- Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take your pick?

- Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.

One day a wife complained:

- This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.

The husband grunted and replied:

- The darn clock always was slow.

I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!

Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
→ Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.

- How is she now?

- She's fine. But, the dog died.

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.

She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

Steve, Bob and Jeff are all working on some very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good with this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do it. After two hours, he returns carrying a six-pack of beer.

- So, did you tell her? - Asks Jeff.

- Yep. - Replies Bob.

- Hey, where did you get the six-pack?

- She gave it to me.

- What?! - Exclaims Jeff.

- You just told her that her husband died, and she gave you a six-pack?!

- Sure. When she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steve's widow.

- Widow? - She said.

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly…

A girl walked over to her neighbor's for her morning chat session. When she got there, her neighbor remarked how tired she looked.

- Yeah - she said.

- I didn't sleep well last night, I had this really strange dream.

- Do tell - said her neighbor, pouring the coffee.

- Well, I dreamed I woke up and went downstairs as usual, but when I looked in the mirror my face had turned orange, and my hair was sticking straight up out of my head and was green!

- Sounds like you turned into a punk rocker or something - the neighbor said, with a grin.

- No - she said.

- It wasn't like that. It was as if I knew something was wrong, but it seemed normal somehow, you know what I mean?

- Sure - said the neighbor.

Three friends were stranded on a desert island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were beginning to lose heart.

Suddenly, a bottle floated into the shore and a beautiful genie popped out. She said:

- I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true.

Friend number one got excited. He said:

- I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, and beautiful women.

Instantly he was gone, his wish granted.

Friend number two smiled and said:

- I wish I was back home right now with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our log cabin in the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing…

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces:

- My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.

- I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!

As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The…

A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting:

- Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood.

He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting:

- Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen...

Bill and Steve are enjoying a beer and discussing the possibility of love.

- I thought I was in love three times - Bill says.

- Thought? - Steve asks.

- What do you mean?

- Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me - Bill says.

- Wasn't that love? - Steve asks.

- No, that was obsession - Bill explains.

- Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me.

- Wasn't that love? - asks Steve.

- No, that was lust - Bill replies.

How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but 200 applied for the job.

How many tax advisors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "In the summer there is a tax deductible convention in Hawaii, dealing exactly with this issue."

How many tax auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in an expense report?
→ Three. One to find the mistake and two to discuss the significance of it.

How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. Social scientists do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ "I don't know, but I can look it up for you."

Why was the racehorse names Strawberry Ice?
→ He was a sherbet!

Why was the racehorse named Bad News?
→ Because bad news travels fast!