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What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
→ "I love you with all my art!"

My teacher loves me - she puts kisses against all my sums.

- Sharon: I'm so homesick.

- Sheila: But this is your home!

- Sharon: I know and I'm sick of it.

My brother's looking for a girlfriend. Trouble is, he can't find a girl who loves him as much as he loves himself.

What do lovesick owls say when it's raining?
→ Too-wet-to-woo.

How did the octopus lovers walk down the road?
→ Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.

What did one amorous flea say to the other?
→ I love you aw-flea.

What do you call an amorous insect?
→ The love bug.

- Freda: Boys whisper they love me.

- Fred: Well, they wouldn't admit it out loud, would they?

What's a cow's favourite love song?
→ When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.

The garbage men were just about to leave the street when a girl came running out of the house carrying some cardboard boxes.

- Am I too late for the garbage? - she called.

- No - replied one of the men.

- jump right in!

Harry was telling his friend about his holiday in Switzerland. His friend had never been to Switzerland and asked:

- what did you think of the scenery?

- Oh, I couldn't see much - Harry admitted.

- There were all these mountains in the way.

A monastery in the English countryside was having a hard time with its cash flow because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work. Then one day two of the monks, who had been discussing the problem, suggested they open a fish and chips stand down on the highway, right next to a scenic vista area popular with tourists. The other monks agreed, and the two put up the stand. One day a tourist who wanted to offer a compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish friar?" "No, sir," retorted the brother, "I'm the chip monk."

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, some of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said:

- My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said:

- Okay, where's my hundred dollars?

The man said:

- Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said:

- Just my luck. How much do I owe you?

Why did the clown wear loud socks?
→ So his feet wouldn't fall asleep.

Why did the clown cross the road?
→ To find his rubber chicken.

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. He immediately began paying her court and flattering her. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when, after 30 minutes, he seriously proposed marriage.

- Look - she reacted.

- We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.

- You're wrong - the young man replied.

- For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account.

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $6,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral.

- Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce - the man said.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him 6,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him:

- That will be $6,000 in principal, and $18.40 in interest.

The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him:

- Didn't you tell me you were a banker? - the young man answered.

- Yes, I did.

To this the tailor said:

- Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5000. and the interest which is $15.41.

The loan officer says:

- We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out…

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough, all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took…

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door:

- What are you doing? - the mother-in-law asked.

- I am waiting for my husband to come home from work. - the daughter-in-law replied.

- Why are you naked? - asked the mother-in-law.

- This is my love dress. - the daughter-in-law replied.

- LOVE DRESS! You are naked. - said the mother-in-law

- But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy. - said the daughter-in-law.

- I would appreciate it if you left now because my husband will be home any minute. - The daughter-in-law…

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
→ Two mothers-in-law.

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat... he flattened the cat.
Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he:

- Pardon me, madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off....

- Not so fast - says she.

- How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?