Coleman moved to Wyoming and was sitting in the unemployment office applying for a job:
- Have you any experience in coal mining? - asked the clerk.
- Yeah, in Pennsylvania - he replied.
- They're using that new safety lamp down there now, aren't they?
- Ah don't know, mister - said Coleman.
- I worked on the day shift.
How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!
→ Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
- Clown: Why are you wearing such a large shirt?
- Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.
It was so hot when we went on holiday last year that we had to take turns sitting in each other's shadow.
Did you hear about the man who jumped in the Hudson River?
→ He committed sewercide.
What did the bell say when it fell in the water?
→ I'm wringing wet.
- Dad, did you manage to fix my toy?
- No, it's not broken, the battery's flat.
- Well, what shape should it be?
A man went in to the bank and asked to see the man who arranged the loans.
- I'm sorry, sir - said a cashier - the loan arranger is out to lunch.
- Can I speak to Tonto, then? - asked the man.
What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance?
→ Look at it through a magnifying glass.
- Bank manager: I'm sorry, sir, you can't open an account with this sort of money. They're wooden pieces!
- Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account.
When Fred was applying for a credit card, the manager of the credit card company asked him if he had much money in the bank:
- I have - said Fred.
- How much? - asked the manager.
- I don't know exactly - said Fred - I haven't shaken it lately.
At the scene of a bank raid the police officer came running up to his inspector and said:
- He got away, sir!
The inspector was furious:
- But I told you to put a man on all the exits! - he roared.
- How could he have got away?
- He left by one of the entrances, sir!
A gang of witches broke into a blood bank last night and stole a thousand pints of blood.
Police are still hunting for the clots.
A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech:
- He does it with a mirror
- or He's got it up his sleeve.
The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.
One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank…
What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus?
→ The police made him bring it back again.
Did you hear about the ghoul's favorite hotel?
→ It had running rot and mould in every room.
After a visit to the circus, Geoff and Don were discussing the thrills and marvels they had seen. "I didn't think much of the knife thrower, did you?" said Geoff. "I thought he was great!" enthused Don. "Well, I didn't," said Geoff. "He kept throwing those knives at that soppy girl but he didn't hit her once."
Why do bakers work so hard?
→ Because they need the dough
My mother-in-law has got so many double chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of pancakes.
- Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed?
- Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.
What kind of hair do oceans have?
→ ... Wavy hair.
Why did the janitor take early retirement?
→ Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.
What's blue and sings alone?
→ Dan Ackroyd.
How do you cook vegatables in the microwave?
→ Take them out their wheelchair.
