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Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards?
→ Because Noah was standing on the deck!

So the bus driver said to the string, "Are you a string?" and the string said, "No, I'm afraid not". (A frayed knot).

How many Survivors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One to start screwing it in and the rest to vote 'em off the ladder.

What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common?
→ They both look out their caves and see rubble.

What runs all day but never gets tired?
→ Water.

What's black, white and read all over?
→ A newspaper.

Why was six scared of seven?
→ Because seven ate nine.

What's the difference between a sigh, a car and a monkey?
→ A sigh is oh, dear. A car is too dear. A monkey is you, dear.

This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race - so I backed the seventh.

- Did it win?

- No, it came seventh.

- I'm not rich like Jack, don't have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and want to marry you.

- I love you too, but what was that you said about Martin!

- Do you love me?

- Of course

- Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear

- Lemon meringue pie!

Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow.
When I woke up my pillow was gone!

What do you call a bell wearing a tutu?
→ A bellerina!

Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?
→ He had a bee in his suit of armour!

What do you call a guard with a hundred legs?
→ A sentrypede.

Did you hear about the man in the electric chair who asked the executioner to reverse the charges?

Why did the teacher decide to become an electrician?
→ To get a bit of light relief.

What is the most breathless thing on television?
→ The Pink Panter Show!

What do you use to cut the ocean?
→ A seasaw

The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up.

- Have you ever been x-rayed? - asked the doctor.

- Nope, - she replied - But ah've been ultra-violated.

After wedding a young couple rented a town house in a large complex.
Concerned about a leak in an upstairs bathroom, young woman called the manager several times, but nothing happened.

Finally her husband reached the manager and, noting the seriousness of the problem, said:

- My wife is afraid the bathtub will fall through the kitchen.

- Oh, no, - the manager quickly replied.

- The bathtub falls through the living room.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
→ A stick.

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

- Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water? - Gramma asked him.

- I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma - exclaimed Johnny.

- There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!

- Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!

- Well, Gramma, - replied Johnny - if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to…

There once was a German schoolteacher. She went to England to teach. When she arrived at the boardinghouse, she wanted to use the bathroom of the Water Closet. She sent a note with a messenger boy to the host asking where the WC was, thinking that the house knew what WC stood for. When the host recieved the letter, he wrote a response thinking that the WC was the Wayside Chapel. He reponse read:
The WC is 3 miles away. My wife has been sick for a while, so she was not able to go for 3 years. The WC can hold up to 300 people at one time. The people complained about the hard wooden seats so instead soft, plush seats were made. I have reserved for you the best seat where EVERYONE can see you!

What is an archaeologist?
→ Someone who's career is in ruins!