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Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
→ They were riverdancing.

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.
My boss said:

- Really? Where is Monosyllabia?

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied:

- Oh, you mean over by Croatia?

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

Why did the Aggie call 911 in the car wash?
→ He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a tornado

How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
→ Tell him a joke when he's a baby!

Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit?
→ So he could tell the time at night!

Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot?
He flew 57 missions!

Why did Silly Sue throw her guitar away?
→ Because it had a hole in the middle.

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man:

- Watcha got in the sack?

The old man responds:

- I got some monkeys in that there sack.

The younger man asks:

- If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?

The old man replies:

- Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!

- Sister: Why are you putting the saddle on backward?

- Brother: How do you know which way I'm going?

My friend is so silly that he spent two weeks in a revolving door looking for the doorknob!

A silly boy spent the afternoon with some friends, but when the time came for him to leave, a terrific storm started with thunder, lightning and torrential rain.

- You can't go home in this - said one of his friends, you'd better stay the night.

- That's very kind of you - said the boy.

- I'll just run home and get my pyjamas.

A boy went into the local department store where he saw a sign on the escalator - 'Dogs must be carried on this escalator.'
The boy then spent the next tow hours looking for a dog.

Why did the stupid boy wear a turtle neck sweater?
→ To hide his flea collar.

He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 11 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions.
He took the 175-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 25,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

Jim sees his neighbor out back building a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas generator and so on.

- So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie huh?

- Naw - says the neighbor.

- Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker now, 'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's nuts.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"