Latest

What do you call a woman who marries an old, ugly and poor man?
→ Stupid!

How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.

Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine?
→ It depends on the age.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
→ Internet, telephone, telawoman.

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it.

Inside was a genie. The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided,

"I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account."

POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, "I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

What's the best way to get a youthful figure?
→ Ask a woman her age.

What is the difference between a "Battery" and a woman?
→ A battery has a positive side.

What is cosmetics?
→ Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.
"Now what should I do?"
His mother has an idea.
"Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later the woman came to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was humiliated," he groaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."

At a family gathering, husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. "Honey," she said to her husband, "when I get my way, that's a compromise."
"What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask. She replied, "That's a miracle!"

A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working in her husband's trucking line office. She answered a phone call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a short conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. "I just know you are small, blond with blue eyes," he said. "No," young woman replied, "I'm tall, brunette and have brown eyes." "Close enough!" said the trucker.

A few women were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, one woman responded with surprise that sleep was a factor.
Another replied: "Of course sleep is a factor. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping!"

Why is a modem better than a woman?
→ A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.

Shortly after the birth of their second child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips."
Just then, a voice from the dressing room piped up. "If there's a dress here that will do all that- I'll take ten!"

One woman to another at a singles bar:
"I'm not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be.
These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,

"Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad,

and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

Why did God invent shopping carts?
→ To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

Women are like computers -- even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

What do you call a woman that people sit on?
→ Cher!

- Doctor Sawbones speaking.

- Oh, doctor, my girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three or four weeks' time?

- What kind of sharks never eat women?

- Man-eating sharks.

Why are women such bad drivers?
→ Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.

Why did the women cross the road? Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!