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- FRED MONSTER: My sister must be twenty. I counted the rings under her eyes.

- BERT MONSTER: That's nothing. My sister's tongue is so long, she can lick an envelope after she's posted it.

What do you get if you cross a bird with a monstrous snarl?
→ A budgerigrrrrr!

- FIRST HUMAN BOY: I can lift a monster with one hand.

- SECOND HUMAN BOY: Bet you can't!

- FIRST HUMAN BOY: Find me a monster with one hand and I'll prove it.

How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye?
→ When it comes out in conversation.

What is a monster's favourite society?
→ The Consumers' Association.

What's big and hairy and goes 'beep beep'?
→ A monster in a traffic jam.

An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven legs walked into a tailors shop.

'Quick!' shouted the tailor to his assistant. 'Hide the "Free Alterations" sign!'

What do sea monsters have for dinner?
→ Fish and ships.

If storks bring human babies, what bring monster babies?
→ Cranes.

A very tall monster with several arms and legs, all of different lengths, went into a tailor's shop.

'I'd like to see a suit that will fit me,' he told the tailor.

'So would I, sir,' said the tailor. 'So would I.'

'Here's a good book,' said the sales assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster. 'How To Help Your Husband Get Ahead.'

'No, thank you,' said Mrs Monster. 'My husband's got two heads already. . .'

Why did the monster dye her hair yellow?
→ To see if blondes have more fun.

What's big and ugly and drinks out of the wrong side of the glass?
→ A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.

Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
→ His trousers fit him like a glove.

What's the difference between a monster and a mouse?
→ A monster makes bigger holes in the skirting board.

Where do space monsters live?
→ In far distant terror-tory.

Where do you find monster snails?
→ On the end of monsters fingers.

How do you stop a monster from smelling?
→ Cut off his nose.

What would you get if you crossed a monster with a redcoat?
→ A bigger target.

What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey?
→ "Pleased to eat you!"

Why did the monster get a ticket at Thanksgiving dinner?
→ He was exceeding the feed limit!

What would you get if you crossed a monster with a Thanksgiving dessert?
→ Bumpkin pie!

What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes?
→ Prankenstein!

How does a monster begin a fairy tale?
→ "Once upon a slime . . ."

- Girl Monster 1: I hear you've met the perfect guy.

- Girl Monster 2: Oh yes, he's a bad dream come true!