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How did the world's tallest monster become short overnight?
→ Someone stole all his money.

What aftershave do monsters wear?
→ Brute.

What can a monster do that you can't do?
→ Count up to 25 on his fingers.

Why was the big, hairy, two-headed monster top of the class at school?
→ Because two heads are better than one.

Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colors?
→ Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.

- Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu, sir?

- Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.

What happened to Ray when he met the man-eating monster?
→ He became an ex-Ray.

- Mommy monster: Don't eat that uranium.

- Little monster: Why not?

- Mommy monster: You'll get atomic-ache.

- Little monster: Mom, Mom, what's for tea?

- Mother monster: Shut up and get back in the microwave.

- Little monster: Mom, why can't we have dustbins like everyone else?

- Mother monster: Less talking, more eating please.

- Little monster: Mom I've finished. Can I leave the table?

- Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your tea.

- MONSTER MOTHER: How many times have I told you not to eat with your fingers? Use the spade like everyone else.

- FIRST MONSTER: I fancy eating the city of Hong Kong tonight. Care to join me?

- SECOND MONSTER: No thanks, I can't stand Chinese food.

- FIRST MONSTER: Am I late for dinner?

- SECOND MONSTER: Yes, everyone's been eaten.

What's the hardest part of making monster soup?
→ Stirring it.

What do they have for lunch at Monster School?
→ Human beans, boiled legs, pickled bunions and eyes-cream.

What is a monster's favourite drink?
→ Demonade.

- Monster: Where do fleas go in winter?

- Werewolf: Search me!

Why did the monster go into hospital?
→ To have his ghoul-stones removed.

What did the monster say to his psychiatrist?
→ 'I feel abominable.'

MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she hits you.

What do you get if you cross a monster with a flea?
→ Lots of very worried dogs.

- FIRST MONSTER: I'm going to a party tonight.

- SECOND MONSTER: Oh, are you?

- FIRST MONSTER: Yes, I must go to the graveyard and dig out a few old friends.

Why is the monsters' football pitch wet?
→ Because the players keep dribbling on it.

- FRED: Your monster was making a terrible noise last night.

- BERT: Yes - ever since he ate Madonna, he thinks he can sing.