Sport Jokes

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.

The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.

However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house.

However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders.

The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk.

Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out.

One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell.

Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.

What is a mosquito's favorite sport?
→ Skin-diving!

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

"How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"

Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"Batted .007," his wife added.

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
→ All of them, a crossbar can't jump!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
→ They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball players?
→ Tall stories!

Who won the race between two balls of string?
→ They were tied!

Why are football players never asked for dinner?
→ Because they're always dribbling!

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
→ Because he liked sole music!

What tea do footballers drink?
→ Penaltea!

Where do footballers dance?
→ At a football!

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
→ Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

What's tennis players favourite city?
→ Volley wood!

How does a physicist exercise?
→ By pumping ion!

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
→ Because education pays off in the long run!

What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
→ Jog-raphy!

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
→ Ince pies!

What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
→ Both do hat tricks!

Which football team loves ice-cream?
→ Aston Vanilla!

What lights up a football stadium?
→ A football match!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
→ Cornflakes!

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
→ Because there is no atmosphere!

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
→ Webley stadium!

When fish play football, who is the captain?
→ The team's kipper!

- Ref: I'm sending you off.

- Player: What for?

- Ref: The rest of the match!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
→ They tend to go cheep!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
→ Beans on post!

Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
→ It's an appointment!

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
→ They got jellygated!

Which insect didn't play well in goal?
→ The fumble bee!

What did the bumble bee striker say?
→ Hive scored!

What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
→ A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!

What are Brazilian fans called?
→ Brazil nuts!

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
→ He was the skipper!

How do hens encourage their football teams?
→ They egg them on!