Sex Jokes

A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred.

So his wife says, "What happened to you?" The man says, "When I was young, I had the kneesles."

He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.

"Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?" inquires the wife. "When I was a young boy, I had tolio."

So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies, "Don't tell me. Smallcox, right!?"

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers. The best man exclaims, "Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!" To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong.

So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says, "honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!"

The groom replies, "I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon."

After a few more minutes, the bride can't wait any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did.

The groom, sitting on the bed sniff notices this awful smell! sniff sniff Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! sniff What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, "Honey, there's shit in your box!!!"

Boom! Boom! Boom! (There's pounding on the wall...) The best man yells from the other room, "Turn her over, turn her over!"

On the eve of her wedding, the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasn't a virgin.

"No problem," said the friend. "Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. You'll feel nice and tight and he'll never know the difference."

She went ahead and followed her friend's advice.

On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere.

The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all that was left was a note that read:

Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I can't go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together.

Goodbye darling.

P.S: ...

Your pussy is in the refrigerator!

On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey," she says, "now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is?"

He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off. "This, my love, is a penis." he told her.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "It looks like a dick, but only much smaller!"

The newlywed couple asked the hotel desk clerk for a room and told him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" said the clerk looking at the bride. "Would you like the bridal then?"

"No thanks," said the woman. "I'll just hold him by the ears until he gets the hang of it!"

The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked, "Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man?"

She looked up and said, "Why does everybody ask me that?!"

The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, "Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?"

After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, "Well, I'm waiting."

And the guy takes a deep breath and says, "Well, I'm still counting."

On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask him about his upcoming performance.

"Dad," says the son, "what do I do tonight? I'm very nervous."

"Don't worry," comforts the father. "It's all very simple. Remember that thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick it where your wife pees."

So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it in the toilet!

For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive.

The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"

Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels.

The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -" His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."