Sex Jokes

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please."

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!"

To which the guy replies, "Make it 100."

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"

The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever)."

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist says, "And..."

Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the counter is a young woman.

"May I speak to the pharmacist?" he asks.

"Well," she replies, "I am the pharmacist."

He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a male pharmacist, as he has a "male problem."

She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular establishment.

He blushes and says, "Well, I really do need help, so I guess I'll ask you... I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid of it. It's been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for it?"

The woman looks thoughtful, and says, "Hold on, I'll go in back and ask my sister."

After a couple of minutes she returns and says, "We'll give you half of the business and it's profits, but that's all we can give you for it..."

A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows the patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?"

The patient replies, "Two people are having sex in the middle of a circular room."

The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?"

Patient answers, "Two people are having sex in a square room."

The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks, "What do you see now?"

Patient replies, "Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?"

A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises "Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo..."

"What are you doing?" enquires the doctor.

"I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.

"Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife!"

"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac!"

"I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock!"

An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.

Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.

About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said, "For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!"

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"

"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"

"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...'"

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.

"This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor," he said, "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy."

"We'll see," the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.

The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.

"Doctor, what are you doing?!?" he asked.

Flustered, the therapist replied, "Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"

The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve. "Well, doc," he said, "when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."

The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."

"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away."

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?"

"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."