School

The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game, she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described.

- Teacher: The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem.

- Timmy: I know what it is, it's an apple.

- Teacher: That's right, I like the way you're thinking. OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it.

- Christopher: I know what it is, it's an orange.

- Teacher: That's right, I like the way you're thinking.

- Johnny: Can I try, Teacher?

- Teacher: Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!

Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a second, and says:

- Johnny: My object is round, hard, and has a head on it.

- Teacher: Alright Johnny, go to the office!

- Johnny: No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking!

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.

With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through the alphabet, having each child think up a word that starts with a letter. They get to "W", and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anything dirty with a "W" so she calls on him.

"Womb!", Little Johnny says.

"That's a good word, Johnny", teacher says. "Is that as in where babies come from?" she asks.

"No", says Johnny, "That's the sound elephants make when they're screwing... you know, "Womb! Womb! Womb!"

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Damn if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test.

First the teacher asks, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"

Johnny replies, "Legs."

So the teacher asks, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?"

"Pockets," Johnny replies.

Finally the teacher asks, "And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"

"Rome," is his answer.

With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks, "Well, shall we pass him?"

"Better not ask me," the principal says, "I got the first two wrong!"

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"

"He turned blue and shat on the carpet."

One day in class the teacher has sex education.

On the black board she drawsa penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.

In the back ofthe room,Dirty Johnny stands and says "That's a penis,and my father has twoof them". The teacher looks surprised and asks "What do you mean,two?"

DirtyJohnny responds,"A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sittersteeth."

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."