School

- Teacher: Fred, give me a sentence starting with "I."

- Fred: I is . . .

- Teacher: No, Fred. You must always say "I am."

- Fred: Oh, right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

What's the definition of a school report?
→ A poison pen letter from the principal.

How is a judge like an English teacher?
→ They both hand out long sentences.

When is an English teacher like a judge?
→ When she hands out long sentences.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

- PE Teacher: Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer?

- Pupil: You told me to put it in the Net.

- Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting round playing on the Internet, you'll be fat and useless when you grow up.

- Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!

- Teacher: Why are you pushing garlic into the computer's disk drive?

- Pupil: To keep vampires off the Internet

- Teacher: But there aren't any vampires on the Internet

- Pupil: See? It works, doesn't it?

- Why do you think your report should be on the net?

- Because my marks are all 'E's.

- Teacher: What are the four elements?

- Pupil: Fire, Earth, Water and the Internet.

- Teacher: What do you mean the Internet?

- Pupil: Well, Mum says that whenever I'm on the Net, I'm in my element.