Religion

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

- Devil: Why so glum?

- Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

- Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

- Guy: Sure I love to drink.

- Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab... We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

- Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

- Devil: You a smoker?

- Guy: You better believe it.

- Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead!

- Guy: No way!

- Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

- Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

- Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.

- Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before ...

- Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

- Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean ...

- Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!!

- Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!

- Devil: So... are you gay?

- Guy: Uh, no.

- Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.

A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"

The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."

Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."

The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."

So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught."

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish."

And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish."

And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

"I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

- Like what?

- Well ... are you religious or atheist?

- Religious.

- Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?

- Christian.

- Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?

- Protestant.

- Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?

- Baptist.

- Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?

- Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God.

- Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?

- Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

- Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.

- Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?

- Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.

- Man: OK.

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

- Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

- Man: That looks worse, got anything left.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

- Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.

- Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?

- Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says - "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads!"

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
→ They both have ornamental balls.

Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other, "I've never come this way before."

Other nun says, "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles."

An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"

A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter, "Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes."

St. Peter, "I can't answer that question...but see God walking around over there? Ask him." Zebra to God, "God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

God looks at the zebra sagely and states, "You are what you are."

Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.

"What did He say," asks S.P.

"Oh," replies the zebra. "He just said, 'You are what you are,' and I still don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes."

"Oh, that's easy," says S.P. "You are white with black stripes."

"How do you know?" asks the zebra. "Well," says S.P., "if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is.'"

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says: "Hey, I see what your problem is!"

- Man: God, my girlfriend is so pretty and has such pretty hair.

- God: I know, I made her that way so you would love her.

- Man: God, she has such beautiful blue eyes.

- God: I know I made them for her so you would love her.

- Man: There is only one thing wrong with her. She is a little dense.

- God: I know.. I made her that way so she could love YOU!