Religion

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. "We've got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth...can you make it?"

Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church.

"Hey, Joe...can you help me out??" He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him.

"Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!".

"Joe, don't worry... I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card...find the sin...and follow it over to the appropriate penance...it's that simple...here comes the first penetant...try it!!"

So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen...

"Bless me Father... I have sinned... I have had impure thoughts." Joe looks at the list...finds "Impure Thoughts" and orders: "Say two Our Fathers, three Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more."

"Thank you, Father," replies the penetant.

Hey...this is easy!! The next one comes in. "Bless me father. I have sinned. I have fornicated."

Fornication...fornication...can't find it...oh there it is on the back.

"Say 10 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more.".

"Thank you, Father".

Then the third arrives. "Bless me Father, I have sinned. I have had oral sex."

Oral sex? Oral sex? It's not on the card! Joe is in a panic. He looks out and sees an altar boy getting ready for mass. "Pssst... Jimmy...c'mere!! What does Father O'Brien give for Oral Sex?"

The boy replies...

"A Snickers and a Coke. Why?"

What's the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun?
→ The nun has a soul full of hope.

What's the difference between a circus and a Las Vegas Dance Show?
→ The circus is an array of cunning stunts.

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,"Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

Three nun's were touring the local zoo one sunny afternoon having a picnic. While wandering around, they entered the monkey house.

Unfortunately, one of the nuns got to close to the gorilla cage and he pulled her inside. He savagely beat and raped the nun. It took 4 guards to pull the nun to safety. The nun spent three months in the hospital recovering and then was sent to a convent in England, for six months, to recover emotionally.

Amazingly, the same three nuns met up again the next year in the park. The younger of the two asked her if she minded talking about the experience in the zoo.

She said, "Of course not".

The younger nun asked "Did it hurt?"

The sister replied "Of course! He never called and he never wrote."

Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"

The man nodded to the affirmative, and the preist handed him a pad And pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died.

After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.

"Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read:"GET OFF MY FUCKING OXYGEN HOSE!!"

Two cannibals meet one day...

The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The reply, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, Ha!" the second cannibal replies, "No wonder--those are fryers!"

Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist?
→ He wanted to transcend dental medication.

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway, dear," the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."