Religion

Why did God give woman nipples?
→ To make suckers out of men.

Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
→ Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin!

A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?"

The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!"

The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!"

Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!"

To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!"

An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine.

The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies, "I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live." They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let him go.

Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final words. He replies, "In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy." They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free.

Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has any last words.

He says, "Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope."

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?"

St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

A man who went to Church with his wife fell was always falling asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." She poked her husband who then came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".

The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ".

The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off"!

It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world...

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 13 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

This one happened on an exam: One of the students identified the rainbow as the arc of the covenant.

Also a true story: The teacher asked her class to draw a picture of the Holy Family and one child drew a rather large figure as part of his threesome, explaining that they were Round John Virgin, mother and child.

The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. "My mother looked back while she was driving," contributed little Johnny, "and she turned into a telephone pole."

How the Bible would have been different if written by college students:

• Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
• Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
• Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
• Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
• Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
• The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.
• Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
• Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
• Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

• Newspaper
• Other Book
• Television
• Divine Inspiration
• Word of mouth
• Near Death Experience
• Bible
• Other
• Torah (specify): _____________

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

• Tarot
• Lottery
• Horoscope
• Television
• Fortune cookies
• Ann Landers
• Self-help books
• Sex
• Biorhythms
• Alcohol or drugs
• Mantras
• Other: ________________________________________
• Insurance policies
• None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary).

Now I lay me down to sleep, from the nightstand buttons beep.

PC all set to download a file, and send the mail in a little while.

Then gather the news before the dawn, and all the scores from fans long gone.

The AC is set to cut back on cool; Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.

Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff; CD to play some, then cutoff.

Sleep-maker set on medium tension, Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate; Carport lite on, for son who's late.

Mr. Coffee all set to percolate; Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.

Air purifier cleans each hour tonite; Water filter to fill the tank just right.

VCR to tape three good shows, Something to watch during winter snows.

Motion detectors on, to check what moves; White noise machine set to seaside soothes.

Camcorder is ready to film in a flash, Blender's all set, the fruit to mash.

Lord, Bless our all-electric domain; Keep lightning away should it rain.

Let no errant shock reset it all; Watch over the breaker box in the hall.

I'm wide awake now from all this hassle; God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

(Author Unknown)