Religion

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven. The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way. The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton, and an EXTREMELY religious guy who's only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary.

The plane crashed and Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to Hell, and Bill went to heaven--temporarily for 20 minutes.

On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said, "Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary", and Bill Clinton replies... "Sorry, buddy, you're 15 minutes late!"

If God had wanted people to be gay... he would've made Adam & Steve instead of Adam & Eve.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"

If Atheists don't belive in God......can they get insured for an act of god?

Three men are golfing. There is Jesus, Moses and an old man.

They've been pretty evenly matched until they arrive at the 11 hole to find a huge water trap. Moses tees up, and smacks that ball right out into the middle of the trap. Without a second thought he parts the water, hits the ball and gets it on the fairway, one stroke from the green. Then Jesus tees up. He smacks his ball right into the middle of the water trap. Without a second thought he walks out on the water, and hits that ball right onto the green. Finally the old man tees up. He hits the ball into the water trap. A fish swims up from the bottom of the trap with the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, picks up the fish and carries it over the hole, where the fish drops the ball and it plops into the hole. Jesus looks at the old man as Moses pencils another 1 in the old man's card. "Alright Dad, stop showing off"!

Four guys were in an airplane, which was going down in flames. There were only 3 parachutes, though.

The reverand says "I should go! everybody needs religion!" they agree and he jumps.

Another guy says "I'm the smartest man on earth! If I die, everyone goes broke!" so he jumps.

The old guy says to the hipee "I am old, and you have a whole life ahead of you, so you jump."

But the hipee replies "Chill dude! We can both go! the smartest man on earth forgot the parachute!"