Religion

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Paul says to Jesus, "Hey man, whatcha doing for Passover?"

Jesus says, "Just hanging around."

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser."

To test her theory she also pulls his dick... and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells...

"Look, hand cream!"

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.

Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering. "Yes Jesus, how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!" Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . . Paul", he calls. Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and both legs and throws him back into the crowd.

Jesus yells out once again, "Paul,... Paul". Paul, who is now lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of the crowd. Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks, "Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?" Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states, "Oh nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house from here!"

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon." The preacher says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord".

The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard." The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the Lords house again". The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate". The preacher says "NO SHIT"?

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.

"Paddy," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."

"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

What did God say after creating man?
→ "I can do better"