Ouch

• Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
• Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
• Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
• Produces a zero-length core dump.
• Proof God has a sense of humor.
• Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
• Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
• Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway.
• Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly
• Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle.
• Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
• Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
• Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
• Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
• Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
• Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
• Receiver is off the hook.
• Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
• Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
• Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.
• Reset line is glitching.
• Result of a first cousin marriage.
• Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain.
• Room for rent, unfurnished.
• RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
• Running at 300 baud.
• Running on a 286.
• Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)

• Running U.S. appliances on British current.
• Runs squares around the competition.
• Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
• S p a c e d o u t .
• Sailboat fuel for brains.
• Sat under the ozone hole too long.
• Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
• Serving donuts on another planet.
• Settled some during shipping and handling.
• Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
• Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
• Several nuts short of a full pouch.
• Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
• She only packed half a sandwich.
• She only schedules zombie processes.
• She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
• She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
• She's a screensaver: Looks good, but useless.
• Short a few cards.
• Short-circuited between the earphones.
• Should be the poster child for family planning.
• Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
• Single-sided, low density.
• Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
• Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
• Skylight leaks a little.
• Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
• Slinky's kinked.
• Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
• Slow as molasses in January.

• Slow out of the gate.
• Smarter than the average bear.
• Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
• So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
• So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
• So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
• So dumb, he faxes face up.
• So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
• So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
• So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
• So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
• So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
• So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
• So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
• So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
• Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
• Some Assembly Required.
• Some bugs in his software.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
• Some of her inodes have nodded off.
• Some pages missing.
• Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
• Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
• Someday when she's younger...
• Someone blew out his pilot light.
• Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
• Someone let the air out of her lock.
• Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
• Source code is missing a few lines.
• Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.

• Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
• Still boots to DOS.
• Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
• Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
• Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
• Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.)
• Stuck on the down escalator of life.
• Stumped by anything child-proof.
• Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
• Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
• Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
• Surfing in Nebraska.
• Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
• Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
• Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
• Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
• Talks to plants on their own level.
• Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
• Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
• The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
• The butter slipped off his noodle.
• The cheese slid off his cracker.
• The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
• The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
• The going got weird, and he turned pro.
• The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
• The perfect personality to write software manuals.
• The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
• The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
• The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.

• The two put together have an IQ over 150.
• The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
• There she sits, Finite State Automaton at its best.
• There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
• They must have done a clean boot on him.
• Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
• Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
• Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
• Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
• Thinks at 5 baud.
• Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
• Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
• Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
• thinks in lower case and types accordingly
• Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
• Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
• Three chickens short of a henhouse.
• Three miracles shy of being where he thinks he's at.
• Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
• Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.
• Too dumb to be bothered when publically displaying her ignorance.
• Too many birds on her antenna.
• Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
• Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
• Too much yardage between the goal posts.
• Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
• Took the little bus to school.
• Top paddock is full of rocks.
• Toys in the attic.
• Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.

• Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
• Traveling without a passport/towel.
• Trips over cordless phones.
• Truck can't haul a full load.
• Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
• Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
• Two bits shy of a word/dollar.
• Two chapters short of a novel.
• Two degrees off square.
• Two inches taller than spherical.
• Two saucers short of a tea-service.
• Two sheep short of a sweater.
• Two socks short of a pair.
• Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
• Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
• Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
• Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
• Understands English as well as any parrot.
• Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Useful as a chocolate teapot.
• Useful as a football bat.
• Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
• Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
• Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
• Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
• Useful as dinosaur repellent.
• Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
• Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
• Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
• Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.

• Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.
• Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
• Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
• Vacancy on the top floor.
• Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting.
• Vertically-fornicated mind.
• Views mold as a higher life form.
• Warranty expired.
• Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
• Was born when the planets were misaligned.
• Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
• Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
• Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
• Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
• Wasn't strapped in during launch.
• Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
• Watching programs not listed in TV Guide.
• We're all missing cards from our decks -- and different cards, too.
• Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
• Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.
• When he was compiled they forgot to #include [smarts.h]/[iq.h]/[charm.h].
• When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick.
• When they said "drain", he thought they said "brain".
• Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.
• Wise as the world is flat.
• With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
• Won't eat eggs because he believes the "This is your brain" ads.
• Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
• Wouldn't make any sense if she ever made sense.
• Zero K memory

• I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.
• I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
• Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!
• You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.
• You should have been born in the Dark Ages you look terrible in the light.
• All of your ancestors must number in the millions it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
• Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
• I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
• They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.
• After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
• You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.
• I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!

A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets ahold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...

Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now... The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked...

Now finally one of the guys decides to think - something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused and of course scared... Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dog finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice. BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy...

He had yet to make his first car payment.

GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

THE BOYS OF SUMMER
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

GOT A LIGHT?
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the scene of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black n Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.