Miscellaneous

Your Momma sooo ugly, when she go to the beach the tide don't come in!

Your Momma so dirty, when she stand next to a building she look like an alley!

Your Momma so poor, she go to Mcdonalds to put a shake on layaway!

Your Momma so dumb, she called information to ask for the number to 911!

Your Momma so fat her belt size says "equator".

Your Momma is so ugly that any position is doggy style.

What is the newest game at the white house?

Swallowing the leader!

We have all heard of the ten commandments.

Well recently a new eleventh commandment was made. Just for President Clinton.

"Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff."

What's the difference between a mans paycheck and his dick?

He can always find a girl to blow his paycheck!

Now I lay me down to sleepI pray this cushy life to keepI pray for toys that look like miceand warm cushions soft and niceFor grocery bags where I can hideJust like a tiger croucched insideI pray for gourmet kitty snacksand someone nice to scratch my backFor window sills all warm and bright for shadows to explore by nightI pray I'll always stay real cooland keep the secret feline ruleTo never tell a human thatThe world is really run by cats.

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.8. See if they could finally do splits.7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.6. Cross their legs without rearranging.5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rearpaws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse from garden.6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweepshattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.10. Retriev cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoidcat. Take last pill from foil wrap.13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bindtightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves fromshed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly whiledoctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants fromright eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

There were two teenagers and they just got thru playing basketball. So they went to the showerhouse.

They were in the showerhouse and the first teenager noticed a cork up the other teenagers butt. So when they got out of the showerhouse, the first teenager ask why he had a cork up his butt?

The other teenager said, "Well, I was at the beach and a fairy said she could grant me one wish", and in amazement I said - "No CRAP!"

Things NOT to say to a Cop!1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.8. Bad cop! No Donut!9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"?11. You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.12. I pay your salary!13. So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what?14. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.15. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.16. I was trying to keep up with the other traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.17. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained observer!