Miscellaneous

You're so ugly, yo momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get the dog to play with you.

Yo momma's so fat that the last time that she wore a T-shirt with a X on it a helicopter tried to land on her.

Your dog is so dumb that if you were to cut off his tail and make him walk backwards he'd start wagging his head!

Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand gernade from the plane, then jump.

The Jew goes first - "This is for my country" and he throws the gernade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks "what's the matter"? The boys says "my dog just blew up!"

The American tosses the gernade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him, "my cat just blew up!"

The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. "What so funny, asks the Pollock?"

The Redneck replies - "I just farted and my house blew up!"

Your mamma's so stupid she locked her self in a bathroom and peed her pants!

ARTERY--The study of fine paintings. BARIUM--What you do when CPR fails. BENIGN--What yoiu are after you be8. CAESAREAN SECTION--A district in Rome. COLIC--A sheep dog. COMA--A punctuation mark. CONGENITAL--Friendly. DILATE--To live longer. FESTER--Quicker. G.I. SERIES--Baseball game between teams of soldiers. GRIPPE--A suitcase. HANGNAIL--A coat hook. MEDICAL STAFF--A Doctor's cane. MINOR OPERATION--Coal digging. MORBID--A higher offer. NODE--Was aware of. ORGANIC--Church musician. OUTPATIENT--A person who has fainted. POST-OPERATIVE--A letter carrier. PROTEIN--In favor of young people. SECRETION--Hiding anything. SEROLOGY--Study of English knighthood. TABLET--A small table. TUMOR--An extra pair. URINE--Opposite of you're out. VARICOSE VEINS--Veins which are very close together.

One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasn't.

He said "God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female."

After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked -"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"

There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukranian and the are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test.

"We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wifes cell and kill her."

The englishman grabbed the gun. "Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good." He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying, "We've been maried too long. I just cant do it." So he was booted out.

The frenchman grabbed the gun. "If I must, I must." He went into his wifes cell for about a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying, "I love her too much. I just can't do it." So he was booted out.

So the ukranian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wifes cell. "That fucking bitch is really going to get it." Gun shots went off until there was no more shots left. He was still in the room and all of a sudden, there was banging and scrapping and crashing and then silence. The ukranian came out with cuts and briuses all over his face.

The agent asked, "What the hell happened in there?"

The Ukranian replied, "Some fucker put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch!"

Q: Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: What is black and blue and brown lying in a ditch? A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.

So, I recently took a tour of the White House, and on the tour ourguide pointed out the new name to the "Oval Office", seems someoneliked the name the "Oral Office" better!

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and says "Hey bartender give me a beer".

The bartender says - "I'm sorry we don't serve food here".

In Church on Sunday morning, The preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said...

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said....

"If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

After that statement, he kept ranting and raving untill about 15 minutes later when he said...

"If i had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down. Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said:"now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134, LET'S ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!