Miscellaneous

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.9. Ask people what gender they are.10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

What was the last thing they gave to Elmo before he left the factory?2 testtickles!

Three Nuns died and were up at outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter wasthere with them. St. Peter decided he needed to quiz each nun with adifferent question to see if they really desereved to go to Heaven.

St. Peter asked the first nun, "Nun, Who was the first man on earth?" Shereplied, "That would be Adam." St. Peter let her through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the second nun and asked her, "Nun, Who was thefirst woman on earth?" She replied, "That would be Eve." St. Peter let herthrough the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the third nun and asked her, "What was the lastthing that Eve told Adam before they left Paradise?"

The nun was puzzled. She thought about it for a long time.

"HHHHMMMM," she said aloud, "Thats a hard one."

St. Peter let her through the gates.

Man goes to the bar and says "bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka." The bartender says "Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that." The man says "Just pour them."

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says "Hey, you want to talk about it"? The man says "No!" and drinks the next 2 shots.

The bartender says "Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles."

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says "Hey great, have another on the house."

The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!"

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.

He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.

Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don;t worry it will go away.

Then the little boy runs down stairs, "mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then don't worry about it, it will go away.

Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down - "honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!"

How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced?

A Buccaneer!

This is not only philosophical but is obviously pure science.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates theweaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

What does a nun wear on a date?

A Cross Your Heart Bra and No-nonsense pantyhose.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?" To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?" Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day!"