Miscellaneous

RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERSI was so poor growing up...

If I wasn't born a boy..

I'd have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ....

"Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"

He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid...

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby...

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly...

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... But he pulled through."

I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?"

He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly...

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" he said...

"I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

The story takes off where Cinderella just got yelled at by her step-mother, then her fairy godmother comes to her aid.

The fairy godmother says, "I can make you a new dress and give you everything you need to go to the ball... on two conditions!"

"Anything, " says Cinderella, "anything!"

"Okay the first condition is you have to wear a diaphram. The second condition is you have to be back by 2:00 AM or else your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin," says the fairy godmother.

So Cinderella goes to the ball and the fairy godmother just waits and waits and then it gets to be 2:00AM, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 and Cinderella's still not back. Then Cinderella finally shows up and the fairy godmother is astonished as to Cinderella's appearence... no pumpkin!

The godmother asks Cinderella who she was with for she had no idea of a man with such power.

Then Cinderella replies, "Peter, Peter something or other?"

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, little johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," little johnny answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

Little johnny replied, "A puppy!"

There was a gay lad from KartoumeTook a lesbian up to his roomWell, they argued all nightas to who had the rightTo do what, with which and to whom

There were three girls in a bar. One girl says...

"I can get a whole hand up my cunt!"

Then the second girl says "well, I can get a whole foot up mine!"

Finally, the other girl says "I don't mean to brag, but could you help me off this stool!"

Q: How do you babysit black kids?

A: Wet their lips and stick them to the wall!

Q: How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed?

A: Put velcro on the ceiling.

Q: How do you get him down?

A: Blind fold two mexican kids and tell them he's a pinata.

How did Black eye peas get their name?

They were fighting over the Chick peas!

Your momma so nasty she charges $10 for sex, gives ya lice, when ya comeback to complain she says - "For $10 what do ya expect, lobster?

Yo mamma so stupid she got hit by a parked car.