Marriage Jokes

Why don't men do laundry?
→ Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

How do you scare a man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
→ A widower.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What's a man idea of helping with the housework?
→ Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Where's the safest place to hide money from a man?
→ Under the soap

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
→ Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
→ A widow.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
→ His wife is good at picking out clothes.