Marriage Jokes

You Might be a Marine Wife if:

1. Your mail goes to four addresses in two countries before it reaches you.
2. You earned an Accounting degree by deciphering your husband's LES and running a family on what was ACTUALLY deposited.
3. "Savings" sounds like a great idea and you hope to someday have some.
4. Sex - see #3.
5. You can simultaneously be a control freak, change plans on a moment's notice, yet you are not being treated for schizophrenia.
6. You know the Tricare regulations/procedures better than their service reps.
7. You know what forms you need better than your husband's Admin clerk.
8. You are strangely attracted (or repulsed) by the color green.
9. You can calculate the cost of a 5-minute phone call from any country, any time, on up to four different calling plans.
10. At a distance, you can pick out your husband from 100 other men with identical haircuts and clothes.
11. The face paint in your closet is NOT for your children.
12. Name tapes are not just for kids.

- Why are you so upset?

- My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.

- So what?

- So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I've been telling you about'.

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly and poor woman?
→ Desperate!

This man says to his friend, "I stopped driving 10 years ago. Now my wife drives and I just sit there and hold the wheel."

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal.
The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.