Marriage Jokes

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

- Do you think, Professor, that my wife should take up the piano as a career?

- No, I think she should put down the lid as a favor.

MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she hits you.

'Here's a good book,' said the sales assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster. 'How To Help Your Husband Get Ahead.'

'No, thank you,' said Mrs Monster. 'My husband's got two heads already. . .'

- Mr Monster: Oi, hurry up with my supper.

- Mrs Monster: Oh, do be quiet I've only got three pairs of hands.

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news:

"Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."

"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door.
"Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here. Let me look at you. Let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much."

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."