Marriage Jokes

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman:

- Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied:

- No he didn't. He just walked in the door.

The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.

The woman smiled:

- So what?

The neighbor was surprised:

- It doesn't bother you that he's running around with those women?

The woman replied:

- I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too.

Retirement means twice as much husband for half as much money.

Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.

After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse:

- I just don't know what to do with you! - he said, shaking his head.

- We've talked about this over and over. We've spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.

- I know, I know... - acknowledged the wife contritely.

- But at least I'm cutting back!

The man came home to find evidence that his wife had been unfaithful.

- Was it my friend Steve? - he yelled.

- No - she said.

- Was it my friend James? - he then asked.

- What? - she shouted.

- Don't you think I have any friends of my own?

- Come on, Steve - one guy said to another at the gym.

- your wife is not as bad as you say. What would you do if you found another man in bed with her?

- I'd break his white cane and shoot his dog.

A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another woman. The man jumps up and says:

- Honey, I can explain!

- As I was coming home from the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where to go and hadn't eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat.

- While she was eating, I noticed she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't use anymore. Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you don't use anymore.

- As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said:

- Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?

A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem.

The counselor asked:

- Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?

- Uhh, no, I guess not - the husband replied.

- That happens with many married couples - the counselor replied.

- I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband.

- That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening.

So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said:

- We're going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to have a good time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!

His wife stared at him, then burst into tears. - What! What's wrong, honey? Tell me what's the matter? - the husband cried.

- Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now...(sniff)(sniff)...now... - she broke off and sobbed deeply.

- Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me. - the husband begged.

- And now, you come home drunk!!!!

After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her where she was going.

- I'm moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you for free.

The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.

- I'm going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a year!

- Income tax examiner: What's your husband's average income?

- Wife: Oh, about midnight.