Marriage Jokes

James and his wife, Martha, are getting ready to leave home for a vacation.

Martha started out the door, then stopped, turned around, and said:

- James, this time you should go check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are pulled, lamp timers are set, thermostat is adjusted, windows are closed and locked, burglar alarm is on, doors are locked, and I'll go wait in the car and keep blowing the horn.

A good husband is the light of his wife's life. But some wives are getting fed up with seeing their lights go out every night!

- Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

- Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Tom and Jeni are having one of their occasional disputes of opinion. Tom took off his pants and threw them at Jeni, yelling:

- Hey, woman, can you fill these pants up?

- Of course not, you jerk. You know I can't.

- You're right. You can't. I wear the pants in this family.

So Jeni took off her panties and threw them at Tom, yelling:

- Hey, jerk, can you get into these panties?

- Hell no! They're too small and dainty!

- And you won't either, until you change your treatment of me!

- I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife - the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl - but I don't know her size.

- Will this help? - she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

- Oh, yes - he answered.

- Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours.

- Will there be anything else? - the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

- Now that you mention it - he replied - she also needs a bra and panties.

A clerk was showing a lady a very nice dress shirt and tie.

- Now this - the clerk said - is absolutely elegant. It is perfect for a man-about-town.

- Could be - the woman replied - but I'm looking more for something for a louse-around-the-house.

If you constantly hear a married man brag about how he runs everything around the house, you can be sure that he is referring to the lawn mower, the car, the errands, and the baby carriage.

Six months into a marriage, a man was asked by his best friend how everything was going. He replied, "Oh, just fine. We practically never have any arguments. In the morning, she does what she wants. In the afternoon, I do what she wants. And at night, we both do what we both want."

Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter protested:

- Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that coat?

Her mother glared back at her and said:

- Don't talk about your father that way!

Jim and I have been married for two years now and we have not yet had our first husband-wife argument.

If we have a difference of any kind, and I am right, Jim nods and accepts my opinion. But what if he's right? That has not happened yet.