Marriage Jokes

Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that it's his wife's birthday soon and he doesn't know what to get her.

The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didn't like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa.

The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies:

- a necklace and a vibrator.

- Why? - asks the second man.

To which the other man replies:

- Because if she doesn't like the necklace, she can go fuck herself.

The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife.

- I don't like the looks of your husband - he said.

- Neither do I - said the wife.

- but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids.

Down in Arkansas, they say that custom has changed little. Many a man still sleeps with a battle-axe by his side.

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:

If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.

If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.

If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children:

- Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa.

Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, and a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house!

Why are complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?
→ Because they are murmurs of the tied.

"Okay," said the wife, "I'll admit I like to spend money, but it's the only extravagance I have!"

- We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob's income. - his wife told her best friend.

- How do you two manage? And you even have kids!

- We get along okay - her friend said.

- You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money.

- Really? How can that be?

- Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything!

Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.

Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim:

- It's got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a driver's side air bag.

Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steve's wife before, he asked:

- Who's that?

- Oh, - said Steve with a grin, - another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!