Lawyer Jokes

Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road.

They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt.

It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.

The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.

It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the doctor asked.

"AFTER the police get here," replies the lawyer.

What's the definition of lawyer?
→ The larval form of a politician.

Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.

A genie pops out. He says, "I will grant you each one wish, but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that."

The first guy says, "I want a million dollars." The genie says, "Are you sure?" He says yes. poof The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.

The second guy says "I want a new car." The genie says, "A lawyer is getting two new cars then." The guy says, "Oh well. I want my car." poof He has a new porche.

The third guy says, "I want to be beaten half to death."

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence.

They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"

"What type?" the woman asked.

"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on."

"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."

"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.

"Why so much?" the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."

"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
→ A good start!

What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one in a million chance of being human.